A letter from Comparison;
They have more than me. I’m not at good as that.
Once I achieve x,y,z I’ll be as successful as A, B, C.
I’ll never get to where they are, look how far behind I am.
I am a failure because I’m not doing as well as….
I won’t be loved until I look like….
I suck because my grades aren’t as good as…
I’m not a proper adult because I don’t own a house like…
I’m not a good parent because I don’t have kids like…
I’m not as good now because I’m not as; attractive/strong/competent/active/smart as I used to be
I used to do this…. Now I can’t
I used to be this…. Now I’m not
Hey. I’m Comparison and man, am I hard work. I never feel settled, I can’t feel calm and I don’t really know who I truly am or how to love myself…I just don’t have the energy or space to because I’m always so focussed on what I do or don’t have, am or aren’t, can or can’t do in relation to others – or my past or projected self. I am constantly seeking to find a sense of who I am, but because I’m constantly looking outwards or backwards or forwards for this information, my sense of self is always shifting. I feel like a chameleon. Shape shifting, morphing, contorting, torturing myself to be better than… or as good as… or not like…. And I don’t want your help, because then I wouldn’t be as capable as I SHOULD be. I should be like this, they should be like that, you should be like this, it SHOULD all be perfect and they way that ‘society’ or my ‘perfect self’ expects it to be.
Welcome to the world of ‘Should’ where everyone gets ripped off and never values their true self.
I lived in this world for a long and painful time - many of you may still live in this barren and burning landscape too.
I’m using this platform to share some of my life experiences in the hope that it may bring some light or perspective to yours or someone you know, for that intention I am happy to share some of the dark times of my past. I am eternally grateful for the darkness of these times, but also so grateful that I am now well beyond them.
Most relevant to the topic of Comparison are my experiences with utter self-loathing and chronic anxiety. For a number of years, I was imprisoned in a very claustrophobic cage of crushing, critical comparative thought. It seemed that with every churning, repetitive, incessant thought I had, any remaining space I had to be myself was diminished, the result was paralysing. I would spend DAYS in bed. Unable to leave the house. I dropped out of uni for the fear of what others were thinking about me, for the fear of failing and not being good enough and for the thought that just for being myself, somehow, I was an inferior human being, unworthy of being in anyone else’s company – a toxic waste, dirtying up the ‘pretty-ness’ of the other girls and guys around me – not as pretty as… not as smart as… less than, worse than, different to… AND the comparisons even came flying in in relation to other people state of mental health; ‘you aren’t even messed up enough to be feeling this bad about yourself, they are more messed up than you, so you shouldn’t even be caring about yourself – you’re not even as sick as…. get over yourself - your life isn’t even as important as theirs is’
My journey of recovery through this state of anxiety and self-loathing was also a tortured one. Any time I had a set back or ‘relapse’ the thoughts would come crushing in again – ‘you are so useless you can’t even do this right’ ‘they could do this better than you can and they had a harder time than you did’. But comparison is not all bad right? It can be very helpful to have a sense of what is progress, and what is a setback in relation to something else and over time, the crushing comparisons also became gifts, allowing me the perspective to see that my ‘setbacks’ were not that, but ‘zig zags’ and movements towards healing. Comparison gave birth to perspective, discernment and compassion – wow, how far I had come (in relation to!!!).
To have perspective of situations in comparison to other scenarios can be a wonderful gift, but the thing is; everyone goes through life in their own unique way and although I have learnt that pain, is pain and that is universal – what we perceive as good or bad, right or wrong setback or progress is actually SO MUCH more multidimensional than we can perceive from our own limited lenses of our personal life perspectives. There is so much more than meets the eyes of our egos – for every sharp comparison there is a soothing, salving bigger picture that unites all apparent opposites in some kind of consciousness raising, healing mystery. We just need to zoom out, and let the Yin and Yang be together as they are meant to be. The Dragon forever devouring its own tail in success and dissolution – essential and bound together in harmony.
A letter from Compassion to Comparison
Hey there comparison. I heard you complaining back there.
Let me introduce myself, I’m Compassion, some call me Courageous Compassion.
When you look a bit closer at my two names, they break down pretty cool!
Com – with you,
Passion – loving energy
Cour – heart
Rage – intense energy
I am – intensely raging, loving energy with you.
I am determined to love you and be with your struggles and pain. That’s just what I do. I’m built that way.
Love Ange x
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